Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
