After last night, I could never be a politician.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
