My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
