I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize