i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
