Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize