I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize