i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Randomize
