I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
