I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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