dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
