You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
