Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
not ubering you a puppy
Randomize
