If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
