why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
