it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
