wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
