I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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