So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
My ATM looks so different sober.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
