i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
