Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
