apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
