forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Randomize