I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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