I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Randomize
