So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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