Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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