nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
