he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
