I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
