just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
