So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Randomize
