I just made out with a guy for $7.
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize