I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
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