I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
