rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
