I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
