A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
