can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
