I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
