Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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