how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
