I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Randomize
