I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
