Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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