Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
