She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
