just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Randomize
