dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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