My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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