Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
