I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize