I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Just high enough for therapy.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
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