ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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