worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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