fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Do vagina's smell?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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