this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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