Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
