I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
