My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
