The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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