My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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