im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
