I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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