Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
