So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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