If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
