Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
