then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
